My miscarriage story
I wanted to create this page, Women's Stories, because when I was healing from my miscarriage I found support in reading stories from other woman who had experienced the same thing.
I was 13 weeks pregnant, yet I had been feeling funny for the past few weeks. I had no major signs that anything was wrong, a few cramps (but that can be normal during pregnancy). I had called my midwife on two occasions telling her that something didn't feel right and she re assured me it was probably all fine, but if I started having cramps and red blood to go to emergency (ER).
Was I just being silly? Was it all in my head? I tried to stay positive and pushed my intuition aside, residing in the conclusion that I was just too caught up in my mind and baby was happy and healthy.
We were catching up with a few friends we hadn't seen in a while and I was so excited to share my news. However on the way to their house I started getting some cramping and brown spotting. Still it wasn't red and I passed it as stagnation from my last cycle before I fell pregnant. I pushed the worry aside and remained positive, sharing our news with everyone at the party.
Towards the end of the night I went to the toilet, the cramps had worsened and when I wiped there was red blood. Cramping and red blood, these were the signs my midwife had told me would mean a trip to the ER, I felt sick in my stomach. But it was late and we decided to go home and see how I felt in the morning. On our trip home our friends called to tell us the amazing news that they were pregnant, 5 weeks! We got off the phone and I had tears in my eyes. While they were so ecstatic about their news deep down I had a feeling our news was turning bad.
I went to sleep, thoughts running through my head, dreams parallel to the reality I was living. We woke at sunrise and I went to the toilet, again red blood when I wiped. ER it was. After being admitted straight away a few tests were performed and then an ultrasound. It all happened pretty quickly. The sonographer spent a while on my uterus searching and then said the sac was 8 weeks, was I sure I was 13 weeks? Well of course I track my cycle to the day, this is my work I teach. At this point my partner said he knew that was it, but although tears were forming in my eyes I was still praying for a miracle. The doctor then asked to see us and reported our worst fears. The sac was empty and there was no baby. He wanted us to book in for a curette the next day. I pushed it to two days in hope that we could at least have one wish, to have a natural miscarriage.
I left the hospital that day feeling empty, confused, distraught. How had this happened? I had done everything possible to sustain the life of this baby pre conception and once I knew I was pregnant. Was it the sauna I had had or the herbs I had taken? (side note - I had 3 false negatives with this pregnancy and therefore didn't think I was pregnant when in actual fact I was, so continued some gentle detoxing in prep for my next ovulation cycle). I knew most miscarriages were genetic but I still held so much guilt.
It was a full moon that Sunday and we went from the hospital to the beach. We chatted about how we wanted it to be natural from here on in and we held each other between tears of sadness. The full moon is for releasing and letting go and in our outdoor shower that evening I begged for it to gently release this beautiful spirit at home with us, which is where we had planned to birth this baby. An hour or so later I felt a funny sensation below, I went to the toilet and sure enough my pad was filled with blood, bubs was letting go.
We spent the next few hours between the outdoor shower and bedroom piled on towels. There was a bizarre feeling of relief, stillness and content. I felt as though the spirit had held on to release with the full moon and it all felt as though it was meant to be. Ironically we had been talking of names a couple of weeks earlier and Luna (the moon) had been one we had loved. After a few hours of the bleeding getting more and more intense we decided it was time to visit ER again. The sac had passed at home in the shower and it had all been very gentle, so even though I didn't want to go I knew it was time and we had been able to experience the letting go at home with just us. The next 16 hours was full of examinations, nausea relief, pain releif, transfers, fear of a currete and then finally a finish without any intervention. Although the loss of this baby felt devastating, it also felt like it was all meant to be. Our full moon rainbow child - Luna.